the truth about the first trimester

About a month ago, in a conversation with a nurse, I was reminded that the goal of the first trimester is just to get through the first trimester. How true that is! This time around, though, that has not been an easy task.

First, there's the nausea, which this time hit me several weeks sooner than my other two pregnancies. It's been unpleasant, as it always is, but I've managed because, well, that's all you can do, right? Unfortunately all the nausea of the last few months has been punctuated by minor, but almost constant illnesses. It started with the head cold I always get slammed with during the week I learn I'm pregnant, and was followed by the cough that wouldn't die. And then came more sniffles and sneezes before I was knocked over by a round of stomach flu.

In between all that the boys both got hit with a bizarre cold-like viral infection that ended in the breakout of an even more bizarre rash. Caleb got it first, and when I took him to the doctor I was told it was just a virus and that since the rash had appeared he was no longer contagious and on the mend. A few days later Garrett was sent home from school after breaking out in the same rash. Even though I was pretty sure he had the same non-threatening virus his brother had, a doctor's note was required so he could return to school, so we made another visit to the pediatrician.

The appointment took a turn for the worse when the doctor, with a concerned look on his face, asked if anyone the boys had been around was pregnant. I told him that I was, at which point his brow furrowed with even more worry. His concern was that this virus was Fifth Disease, non-threatening enough in a child, but potentially fatal for an unborn baby. Blood tests were ordered and the wait for the results commenced. Happily, after two days of intense anxiety, we received the wonderful news that it was, in fact, just a bizarre virus and not Fifth Disease. We all breathed a huge sigh of relief as we renewed our hope for the healthy development of this baby.

Illness is an obnoxious thing to add to the difficulties of early pregnancy, but the biggest struggle I've dealt with so far, however, has been the onset of anxiety and depression. I didn't realize that depression affected pregnant women pre-partem, but apparently it does and is not uncommon. In the first few weeks of pregnancy, I started having panic attacks, which scared me into seeking medical help. (Also, feeling so miserably blue day after day after day was starting to get old, but I just didn't know how to pull myself out of it.) I don't necessarily want to delve here into the details and particulars, but I will say that these issues are likely the result of crazy early pregnancy hormones, our current lifestyle, and, as one doctor I saw put it, the fact that I have a very full plate right now. I eventually found my way to a really great therapist. It's quite a schlep up to her office in Manhattan, but the thing I appreciate most about her is that she is LDS, which has been nothing but beneficial as I've unloaded my burdens on her couch and listened to her advice, which has often been spiritual in nature.

Things are not fixed yet, but they are improving. It's still hard to find the desire to get up in the mornings and face a new day and I'm not sure yet how I'll mange to ride out the coming winter, but now, thanks to my therapist's recommendation, I have my daily sit next to my Happy Lite to look forward to, and that helps. I also have great support from family and friends, which has been nothing less than a lifesaver. The [mostly] lovely, sunny weather we've been having during this late fall has also been very helpful.

So things are slowly getting better, and I'm hoping they continue on that track, especially as my whacked out hormones start to level out a little. As a part of our process to improve our current lifestyle (and make welcoming a third child to our home and life in Brooklyn a little more feasible), we are looking to buy a car. After over four years of living here without one, we've decided that it's time. Hopefully we'll find something soon. (So if any of you out there know of a good quality, low-cost vehicle that would fit three children and their required carseats in the back row, please let me know!) Right now we're leaning toward Subarus, either a Forester or an Outback, but we'll take what we can get that meets our requirements.

Despite the emotional and physical roller-coaster I've been riding for the last few months, I really am more thrilled than terrified at the opportunity to welcome another child into our family (even though, if you catch me at a bad moment, I might not admit that). There will no doubt be more bumps and hurdles to get over before all is said and done, but I have a feeling that we'll come out okay in the end.