my puzzle and my delight

Caleb. Of all my boys, he is currently my most puzzling. Trying to figure out his needs and the best way to advocate for him consumes my thoughts. Just when I finally decided to go with my gut and disregard the professional suggestions that he receive physical therapy services, I go to his parent teacher conference.

"We know Caleb is receiving speech," his teachers began the meeting, "but is he getting OT as well?"

My heart sank; I knew exactly where this conversation was headed. I replied that he was, two times a week.

"Oh good," they sighed. "Because his behavior in the classroom suggests he really needs it. Maybe you should see about upping the amount he gets. You know -- be his advocate."  

(Side note: Grrr....I really don't like it when people feel the need to tell me to be my child's advocate, as if I'm not already. Of course I advocate for my child! But if what I as his mother see that he needs ends up being different than what you see, that doesn't mean I'm not advocating for him.)

Even though completely discontinuing occupational therapy for Caleb was my plan for his kindergarten year, I decided to hear them out. It turns out that Caleb, who is a button pusher by nature, likes to get annoyingly close to other students, but flips out when others get close to or touch him, and it is sometimes a problem in the classroom. Okay, I thought. I can see Caleb doing this sort of thing, which of course doesn't make it acceptable, but does it dictate a need for an increase in OT?

When I originally gave the okay for Caleb to be evaluated for OT services it was because of a concern I had with his fine motor skills. The evaluation proved that he was in fact lacking in that area, and also that he a few sensory issues. I didn't want him falling behind or getting unnecessarily frustrated in school because he couldn't grip a pencil, so we went ahead and accepted the services he qualified for. He has enjoyed his twice weekly sessions, and I've seen such an improvement in the areas I was most concerned about that continuing with the OT in kindergarten just didn't seem necessary. But was it? Based on his teacher's observations, was I missing something?

"But he's a really bright boy," they added, almost as an afterthought. (Why couldn't they have opened the meeting with that?!)

His teacher's concerns troubled me, and that afternoon I asked his therapist for her input as well. She agreed that it was an issue, although she didn't indicate that she thought it was anything major, and told me they were working on it. She also gave me some suggestions of things we could do at home to help. But something -- and I couldn't put my finger on exactly what -- didn't make sense. To me, Caleb's actions at school just did not add up to a necessity for more OT. Even so, the next day at school pick-up, I told his teachers that we'd spoken to his therapist and were also taking some measures at home, and could she please keep me posted on his behavior in class so I could know if it was helping?

And then it hit me. Behavior. This was, in Caleb's case, by and large a behavior issue, and all the OT in the world wouldn't fix it. I started to think more about Caleb as a person, not a problem, and I realized further that we were also dealing with a social issue.

Of my three, Caleb is the shyest. He's a homebody who is truly only comfortable at home with his family. He only flips out with other people when he has left his comfort zone, which is probably why others notice it more than I do. Again, this doesn't make his behavior acceptable, but it also doesn't dictate a need for more OT. In fact, when taking this part of his personality into consideration, it would probably be too much of an adjustment for him to be constantly pulled in and out of the classroom for therapy sessions. Caleb is a boy who likes to be settled, and disrupting that more than absolutely necessary would only frustrate him.

When the pieces of this part of the Caleb Puzzle started coming together, I felt an incredible peace, the confidence from which I plan to take with me to his upcoming kindergarten IEP meeting. As puzzling as he might be, he is my child, and I do know him better than it sometimes seems, even to me. And my gut tells me that more, or even any, OT would be more detrimental than helpful. Speech, on the other hand, I plan to continue, and maybe even up the amount of, because it's clear that he does need that. And who knows -- maybe clearer speech will boost his own confidence so as to widen his comfort zones and dispel the social anxiety.

Caleb, despite what his teachers might think, is far more delightful than he is problematic. He is highly imaginative, goofy, and he has an infectious laugh, but is also very sensitive to the needs of others, and has recently developed the sweetest relationship with Matthew. He is caring and, when he's in the right mood, wants nothing more than to be a "helpful boy" for his uncomfortably pregnant mother.

Speaking of, Caleb's perception of this pregnancy has been particularly charming. He has spent all fall and winter gearing up for a baby brother in the spring, so last week when the first day of spring rolled around, he spent the entire day wondering when that baby would show up. "Is the baby here yet?" "Will it come after Garrett gets home from school?" It took a lot of explaining on my part that spring would last for longer than one day, but I don't think my efforts ever really sunk in -- at least not until the next day when he woke up and it was still spring and I was still pregnant.

He also has remembered me and the baby in nearly every one of his prayers. "And help the baby in Mom's tummy," and "Help the baby come out of Mom's tummy" are repeated requests. The other day during his lunchtime blessing he added a new one: "And I'm so excited to play with the baby." Given the way he takes care of his entourage of dolls and stuffed animals, I will be surprised if he exhibits much, or even any, animosity towards the newest member of our family.

Caleb's a keeper, that's for sure. I just wish more people would recognize that rather than see him as a problem who needs fixing.